Sofia turns two…

On the 15th of April 2018 I was sure I had begun labour. I was having painful contractions every 20-30mins that I brushed it off as Braxton hicks as my husband was 1.5 hours away at our best man’s wedding. I was lying in bed next to my first-born thinking, “No, no not now, I’m not ready, it can’t be”. I remember nesting all day, dancing to music and having a huge burst of energy.

Two days later I went to an obstetrician appointment and was, in fact, 1cm dilated. Unfortunately, nothing happened for another 10 days… and then she was here. Sofia, 25th of April at 11:23am.

Now normally you would expect to see a birth story after that mushy introduction, but it’s just not in me. I’m not sure when or if I’ll ever publish Sofia’s full birth story as it makes me feel sick just thinking about it. I will say, she was posterior and had her cord wrapped around her neck. She was painful to give birth to and came out so fast that my body went into shock. I couldn’t hold her because my entire body was shaking uncontrollably for 20 minutes.

What I want to talk about is how incredibly grateful and blessed I feel to be able to witness my daughter grow up. Watching her flourish into the little pocket rocket, character of a person that she is today, is just unbelievable.

Do I wish she was just a baby again? Definitely not. I hated the newborn stage. Oh wait.. am I not supposed to admit that? I feel as though I’m being judged for saying that out loud, but there it is, the truth, again. It’s ok to not enjoy every phase of children.

Having two kids under two was tough. Sofia was attached to my nipples 23 hours a day and it was hell. Trying to entertain a toddler, breastfeed a newborn whilst cooking dinner and managing the house work? Ha. Safe to say I was over the moon when Sofia started solids.

Do I wish she would just stop growing? No way. It actually makes me sad when people say this. I’ll tell you right now, there are so many parents that wish they could see their child be alive, let alone grow and develop so quickly… I know people don’t mean it in a bad way when they say it, I just never have understood it.

My dream has been to have children and watch them grow through every phase of their lives. That means going from a newborn stage, toddler, and all the way through to being an adult. It’s frightening and I’m scared every day as to what the future holds for my girl, but I’m eternally grateful that my girl has a life that she can grow into every day.

Do I wish we are still breastfeeding? Hell no. Sofia has given me the ultimate birthday gift.. she’s finally self-weaned. It has been a long and painful journey to get Sofia to self-wean. I had tried several times and it just didn’t work. Suddenly, one night, she asked for “milky” and that was that. I couldn’t be happier if I’m brutally honest. I was more than happy to breastfeed for a year, but anything after that, I just wanted my body back. I knew she was only using me for comfort but it didn’t make it any easier. I’m so thankful that breastfeeding is now a memory of what Sofia & I have overcome.

So, my dearest Sofia, what do I wish for you then?
I truly wish that you continue to grow into your cheeky yet kind and nurturing self. Your Dad and I often joke about how funny you are and so tough, but we see moments where you’re so motherly to your sister Mia also. You really are a mix of so many personalities and I truly hope you continue to thrive.

I’m nervous to see how you’ll be as a teenager, but I also can’t wait to explore the challenges you’ll bring to the table. I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll be the instigator when it comes to mischief. You’ll be the one dragging Mia out or begging her to break curfew with you.

I hope that you too want to become a mother someday, but I want you to know that if it’s not what you want, then that’s ok too. I wholeheartedly just want you to be happy and healthy in life. 

There is so much going on in this big and world that I want to shelter you from, but I also accept that I won’t be able to control it all. I’ve learnt there is no point worrying about the future. As much as I want to hypothesise and think about the ‘What ifs’; you get sick, you leave me, you hate me ect… I don’t want to waste my time agonising about events that may or may not happen. I can only be positive and embrace the time and moments we have now, here, in this present moment.

Sofia, as your birthday quickly approaches I find myself emotional as most mothers do. I’m not one to talk about the moment we first laid eyes on each other, and love at first sight bla bla… I’m so sorry I don’t feel that way sweetie. You were born a day late after an awful labor. So, no, I didn’t enjoy those initial moments we met. However, I’ll well and truly never forget the moment you were placed on my chest. It wasn’t love at first sight, but it was relief. A healthy, baby girl. A sister for my first born. I knew in that moment our family was complete. I remember saying to your Dad, “Thank goodness I don’t have to do that again!”

So, to our Sofia, thank you for completing our family. You bring so much happiness and chaos to our lives. You bring a spark out of your sister Mia that only you can bring. You make me smile and laugh when I want to cry. You make your Dad melt, honestly, the way he speaks about you brings out a sparkle in his eyes. I can’t believe you’ve managed to achieve all of this and you’re only t w o. Here’s to you my sweetheart. I’m sorry your second birthday won’t be spent around your family and friends as we had planned (thanks corona virus). Nevertheless, what’s important is that you healthy and you are here, on Earth with us. Here’s to the terrible twos (which actually started a few months ago.. yay….)